Todd

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Todd

I

They were going to professionalise the lung, the kidney, the thigh, the genitals, and the Swiss man in front of us did not seem embarrassed about this, the fact that it was so extraordinarily Swiss did not concern him, he had passed through self-awareness entirely and come out the other side into a world of complete inner silence, what we are going to do now, he said, is talk about inner professionalisation, the professionalism of the inside, as you know, he said, for a long time, and understandably so, the concept of professionalisation has preoccupied itself with the outside, that is, with doing certain things, in accordance with certain standards, professional standards, he said, and I could already feel it working, the sense of something important about be revealed, it was early in the day and I had everything I’d ever wanted, the coffee I was drinking was good and it felt right to be drinking it, someone else had paid for to me to drink this coffee, someone else, effectively, had planned for me to drink this coffee, had foreseen it, and therefore I was free to enjoy it, it was impossible to have any reservations about it, not only because of the quality of the coffee and the vibe of inexorable pre-emption, but also because of the mountain side, almost treeless, standing solemnly there through the window, in my previous life I had questioned every cup of coffee, whether I shouldn’t have got tea, I even went through a period lasting several years when, as soon as the coffee was in my hand, usually in a disposable cup, I fantasised about throwing it in the face of whoever made it, it’s hard to explain why I had this thought, it felt necessary, an assertion of some kind, because I felt that my gratitude was unreal, and the person serving the coffee was unreal, or at least in some way inaccessible, but this momentary instinct, to throw the coffee, at its hottest point, back in their face, right over their face, was somehow open and real, while the coffee and myself and the person serving the coffee were, as a rule, closed and unreal, what I needed was the option, I needed to remind myself that it was quite possible, in physical terms, to throw the coffee, at its hottest point, directly into their face, the mechanics of it were entirely simple, which allowed me to feel a certain pride in my self-control, my moral righteousness, in not submitting before my instinct, I had to provide myself with this outlandish local instinct so I could at least be cognisant of repressing it, that’s all it was, really, a kind of clarification of my self-control, even as I allowed this instinct to reach frightening proportions, even as sometimes I felt the first shiver of a jerk in my hand, at times I managed to reach the point where I didn’t know if I was going to throw it at the man’s face or not, and was therefore able to feel an almost erotic release when I brazenly, standing there in a coffee shop, repressed this desire, of course you are not supposed to repress desires any more but there I was, an example for all to see, invisibly conquering myself, protecting this innocent man or woman from myself through my extraordinary self-control, but this time, in Switzerland, I didn’t find it necessary to go through these steps, I was quite literally enjoying a cup of coffee, and of course there is a certain humour, he was saying, in talking about the professionalisation of the actual body, since the term body, as I’m sure you all know, has a long history in relation to the term professionalisation, a long and extremely complex history, but never in reference to the body that we know, our body, this one, he said, pointing at himself, but couldn’t it be said that human evolution is really no more than human professionalisation, that while other animals are content to wallow in mud, forever, we, not only the Swiss but people in general, have relentlessly professionalised external reality, but what we still haven’t managed to do is to actually belong to the professional universe we have invented, but that’s what we’re here to do now, right now, he said, this very second.