13/07/2023 - 15/07/2023

13 07 2023

Psychoanalytic stages which I carefully avoided during childhood: the mirror stage, the oral stage, the anal stage.

I am, like a good Christian, saving them up.

Teaching a three-hour class in a disembodied state, because I was half conscious of a tiny, occasional, triangle of flesh on my waist, visible because my shirt didn’t fit, because I had decided, incorrectly, years earlier, that I didn’t care about anything.

Disembodiment requires acute consciousness of the body; as though the body is a gate which you passed through, even a runway... 

A bad violinist thinks about his violin; a bad diarist thinks about his diary. 

N, on WhatsApp video, speaking about dying a lot. Apparently, it’s not so bad after all. She has this on good authority; it’s as processual, as structural, as birth. If you experienced it many times, it would become routine. ‘Ah, I don’t like this bit, I can’t wait for the next phase, my favourite…’

Her feet sometimes resting on the sill. 

Fireworks occasionally – f…