01/07/2023 - 03/07/2023

01/07/2023 late evening

I just laughed – for the first and last time in my life – at a joke (my own) about getting my face pissed on. I sent this to N. Except I wasn’t laughing at it – I was laughing at my sudden willingness to send it.

One must turn immediately to imaginary and depraved extremes to survive any return to the childhood home.

On the plane thinking, yes, I could really imagine starting a nuclear war. Simply to avoid having one more conversation…

Briefly worried, also on the plane, that I was developing, with a self-consciousness I should be embarrassed about (but am not), a kind of stolen post-soviet magical realism.

Perhaps I was being given it, but I was stealing it, too (what’s the difference, between friends?)

The world was an open hand – is an open hand – whenever I’m away from where I’m supposed to be.

(Too dramatic. Only use the metaphor of getting my face pissed on from now on).

Everything here – London – looks as though I have already described it, probably better, on …